Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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