I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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