I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
