just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
A+ Viking dick
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
