You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
