I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
