saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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