You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
