I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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