I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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