did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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