foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize