DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
