I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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