I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
