tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
