yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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