dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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