Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
