Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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