Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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