evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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