I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
