someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
