Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
