...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
