I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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