Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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