tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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