Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
