I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
