My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t yaâ€
Randomize
