So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
