Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
