If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
