I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
