i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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