I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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