Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
