sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
