Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
