dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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