I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
