why didn't you poke me back
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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