So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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