At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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