A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
