Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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