you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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