After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
