My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize