she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
