We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
