maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
