He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
