i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
