I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
