Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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