you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
